It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Daily Life post and it’s for good reason. However, I’m starting to feel pretty disconnected from all of you and I’m sure if you’re a long time reader you’re feeling the same.
I’ll just lay it out there..
I am scared shitless right now and I think that’s exactly how I’m supposed to feel. I’m working my buns off to really make my blog the primary source of my income which is not easy when you have to constantly put yourself out there and pitch to companies only to be told no A LOT and the yes’s are few are far between. I’m also launching a vintage clothing Etsy shop with my close friend.. oh and then launching another shop with my mom this fall. Did I mention the part where I’m also selling through over half my closet on eBay to fund a two week road trip through the southwest in September? And selling most of my furniture and decor on Craigslist to prepare for my cross-country move back to Iowa?
Yea… we all have a lot to catch up on.
Since the day that I left Iowa to set out for Oregon, I’ve felt ripped in half. I made the choice of leaving my closest friends and family so that I could experience living in a new city and try to find what we’re all after: happiness. I was really happy when I got out here, but I also felt constant guilt and the fear of regret. I kept thinking.. what if I’m not there and something terrible happens to a member of my family? What if my nieces, nephews, and friend’s kids forget who I am? How many small, but significant moments have I missed out on with the people I love?
After five years and countless airport goodbyes that never get any easier.. I’m ready to come home.
Oregon has been such a crucial part in shaping me to be the person I am now, so I in no way regret leaving or staying gone for as long as I did. The experiences I’ve had, the places I’ve been able to see, and the people I’ve met here who have become like a second family to me, have truly changed my life forever. Now I get to have more tearful goodbyes when I head back east which tells me that I either love and care intensely or I’m a glutton for punishment and heartbreak.
Another reason for my silence on the blog and the decision to go back home is that Josh and I have decided to get divorced. This past year has been quite the roller-coaster and definitely not the fun kind. A lot of tears, arguments, tension, and heart breaking conversations of will we or won’t we. We thought a little bit of space would be good and the plan was for me to only spend a few months back home, but as things progressed we realized we were just moving forward on two different paths.
After one last calm, but still heartbreaking conversation we decided that it was the best choice for us to end things. We love and care quite deeply for one another even still and rather than turn into monsters and hate the other person because we’re forcing it to work, we can simply step away, appreciate and cherish all of the amazing moments we’ve shared, and continue to love and support each other as friends.
Our relationship and marriage doesn’t look like anyone else’s, therefore our divorce isn’t either. Oddly enough it makes the love that we share feel truer in the sense that we care and respect each other enough not to run it into the ground. Even though we’ve been very civil and calm about it, we still ask that people respect our privacy and feelings as a marriage and the dissolution of one is an intimate and painful thing to go through.
Josh just opened a tattoo shop here in Portland (go see him!) and I’ll be starting over fresh in this adorable little farmhouse on two acres of land in Iowa just 20 minutes from my parents. My life is about to look completely different than it does now which is terrifying and weirdly comforting knowing that I get to rebuild it exactly the way that I want.
Hang in there with me because it’s about to get interesting!